Self Reflections

I realised something today.

I wasn't as strong as I thought I was.

The person who I am today is because of all the connections that I have made in the past. I am who I am because of the people that I have met, loved, fought with and lived with. Every person that I met taught me something. Every relationship that I was in always had a message to me. I had always thought that I was somebody's lesson with the exception of one. Today it became two. For the second time, someone was my lesson.

Expectations. We always have expectations of our half. The crap about loving non-conditionally doesn't exist. And even if it did, there was a limited lifespan to it. You can only ignore expectations either of other people or of your own for only so long, and then nature kicks in. Perhaps, the trick is recognising which expectation is crucial in one's life. It's a thin line to wanting what you want and knowing what you should have. There's this model of a person aka my other half in my mind that will have to go major remodelling or plastic surgery in my mind. It's just that I haven't decided what stays and what goes. Like that perfect 6 pack which is a real deal breaker or that charming mischievous smile. =P I rest my case.

We all just want to be accepted for who we are. Loved for who we all, faults and all. And I am no exception, nor is the other person. I suppose it all boils down to ourselves, knowing what our weaknesses and faults are and trying to consciously slowly change them, not only for the sakes of ourselves but for the sakes of others. We often are our own worst enemies. Too often we build on negative images of ourselves, and draw on previous bad experiences or insecurities that we forget about what is possible, what is good, and what is right. We create our own unhappiness, which rightfully shouldn't exist at all especially if we are secure and happy with ourselves as a person.

I had forgotten that I could be my own worst enemy. I too have drawn on previous hurts and disappointments and acted defensively in the name of fear.

Perhaps I have been wrong all along in certain aspects. Perhaps I have looked at things in a certain way which was not always correct. To want something for oneself is not wrong. But if we really did love the other person and wanted their happiness, wouldn't one sacrifice one's own needs for the other? We would naturally know what needed to be done. But do we? Are we always that self conscious, that unselfish?

Pondering. I still have a long journey to self discovery. Hopefully, it gets easier. Hopefully, I get wiser.

Hopefully, someday I am nobody's lesson, and nobody is my lesson.