A DECISION

I would have never figured that I would actually be here now.

Quitted my job late last year and suddenly turned single. And I had thought, heck, with no sexy man and sexy job in hand, my 30s about to stare me to death, no commitments in life, some savings in hand and healthy parents to boot, what the hell am I waiting for? It’s my calling, to decide to enjoy what I currently have, and to think of what I want to do.

Envy me? Hell no! :P Or maybe do. But it was a DECISION that I made. And not an easy one to boot. Why so difficult? What was holding me back for years? I realised, I was like most typical Malaysian/ Asian.

(Note: My aspect of the “Typical Malaysian/ Asian” = hardworking citizen who wants to earn good money and works at a job that he or she maybe hates just to make a living and maybe pay off a housing commitment for the next twenty to thirty years.)

No 1: We generally are not used to not working.

I guess most Malaysians are born workaholics. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy flexing my skills in all areas and developing new ones as I go along, but it’s usually not easy to love your job. Yes, hence SEXY job, psst, sexy man too, please!!! My definitions, as I was told, on sexy, is far too varying.

And yes, I get frowned at most times when I say that I am not working. Haha. The other reaction usually is that, oh, did you hit a gold mine? Haha I wished I did.

No 2: We are not used to an uncertain future.

We have been taught that we need to plan for a better future, and to work hard at it. So we plan and plan every aspect of our life to death. Guess it’s good for the general masses, after all you can’t have the whole of Malaysia like me, suddenly dropping work to take a break, hell, there would be chaos in the country, not that there isn’t one right now, with the political and economical situation brewing back home.

But I realised, I almost always think of the next step, if Plan A doesn’t work, Plan B will come in line, then C till it works. Life was somewhat routine, and definitely too much planned. Did I really really really enjoy life? Am not too sure about that.

And it was worse, being a Malaysian WOMAN, women always have had it worse off! Arrgh. My guess is that some Men would probably kill me for this statement alone. Very recently, I had gotten thinking, that we Malaysian women probably have more society expectations on us than men, more than what we consciously ever would know.
My theory is that society segregates us Malaysian Women on an unconscious level into two categories, which I personally call them:-

(1) The Socially Accepted Attached/ Married Women who craves for family life and belonging;
(2) The Socially Dejected New Age Single Women who craves independence and financial freedom
(ok, maybe they aren’t so dejected anymore! But still…most men look at them as plain weird and scary).

Most Category 2 women actually come from Category 1 women. They evolve into Category 2 women when they are at crossroads, mostly when they realise that most men are not very reliable, and getting married is risky business. The partner that you choose may turn out to be a nightmare in the end. Marriage is no contract nowadays, easily broken, there is no real stability or guarantees that love can last and that hearts would not change. (Am not saying that you can't find love in this world. Its just tough to find lasting love. It takes a lot for two people to grow together.)

I was a Category 1 woman for years till recently. I had felt disappointment in what I felt was the most reliable relationship that I probably would ever have with a great guy and felt that I had lost direction in life. I felt suffocated and tired. A break was sorely needed, I was at crossroads, that, I had realised. So I DECIDED, I took a break from life, went on a two person holiday to Phi Phi island with a girlfriend, throwing everything out from my mind, met people, ate great food, saw great sights, laughed like I never had before, and enjoyed myself as if it was my last moments.

I, my whole solitude self had lived for just once in that short holiday. So enjoyable and renewed I felt, I went for more trips and wallowed in more me-time doing something and nothing for a few months and actually felt happy.

Although I still had not found out in detail what I really wanted, but I started to know what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to feel miserable, I didn’t want to be in an unsexy job, I didn’t want to feel that I had to rely on a relationship or my partner to be happy. Basically, I wanted to live and love everyday like it was my last day. And should the right person pop by to say hello, then it would be great but the absence of it won’t and couldn’t have stopped me from living life to the fullest.

(So enough, with the oh, u will meet a great guy soon, when is it your turn, gosh, what irritating nonsense..haha..am enjoying my life right now!)

I suddenly found myself becoming a brand new Category 2 woman. And loving it. And I still wonder, why the hell didn’t I figure that out earlier, there goes my youthful years. But the funny thing is, I feel so young now and so energetic. I had always before this felt older than I was. But now…pffft…I feel like I am 23, with the world ahead of me. Strangely positive about everything except relationships. No, am far from a bitter, impassionate, old single woman. I feel great, passionate about life and meeting people! There is so much to learn, so much to do.

I want to meet people, travel, learn new cultures, learn new languages, get a tattoo, learn new skills, taste great food, photograph all that I see and experience, live healthily, laugh more, and in the journey, to open up my mind. I started challenging myself to do things that I would hesitate at, or that I was afraid to do or that I would have never have done previously.

It all started from a Decision, a Choice.

追求美丽的人生 – Chasing for a beautiful life

That is what my newly acquired tattoo says. It may not be perfectly sized, or perfectly placed, but it says perfectly what is in my heart. And that is what is important to me.

*P/S: All Chinese words directly translated are currently crappily translated due to the writers lousy grasp of mandarin which will hopefully be rectified soon. =P